etc.

Tamales al la Ramen

Please don't do this. Ever. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, well the dish in question is the recipe I'm about to reveal to you. Was I drunk when I attempted this? Definately. Did that abate the lingering tastes that follow me to this very blog post? Unfortunately no. I reproduce the recipe here as a warning. If you ever find yourself following this arrangement, stop, shudder, and throw it all away. (Unless you're cooking for Chet. I hope Chet eats this til the day he dies. I hate you Chet.)

1. Pan fry the tamales. The approach is similar to deep frying, the key difference being that instead of a pot full of vegetable oil, you are using an entire stick of butter in a pan, because it doesn't matter how fat you get because Diana is never coming back.
2. boil water for the Ramen. Making Ramen takes approximately 3 minutes, which coincidentally is also the amount of time you can pan fry tamales before giving up and realizing that they aren't going to look any more appetizing.
3. Drain the noodles and place them on a plate, then remove the tamales from the pan and mix them in with the noodles.
4. If you can get halfway through eating this, you are far more intoxicated than I was.
5. Throw the whole thing away and drunk dial Diana. If Chet picks up, hang up quickly and cry to yourself.

The result? I really don't want to talk about it.

The Mother In Law

This recipe was suggested to me by my roommate. He'd spent all his money at the bars and desperately needed something to eat. Desperate enough for canned tamales. The traditional title of this dish, he explained, is "The Mother In Law", purpotedly because the indigestion and heartache the dish causes is similar to that a mother in law can inflict. I personally don't understand our culture's villianization of in laws. I've gotten along great with the parents of the women I've dated. They think I'm swell young man...though perhaps that's why the women I date gradually lose interest in me. Anyway, it's a very simple dish to prepare.

1. Deep fry the tamales, as per the previous recipe. (You'll notice that this will be the first step in most of the coming recipes. Partially for my love of frying, but mostly because you're going to want to mask the tamale's flavor as much as possible. Much like Diana masked her love for Chet the entire time I was dating her.)
2. Get some bread. I reccomend a hoagie bun, but really any bread will do. We are cooking canned tamales after all.
3. Place the tamales in the bread and cover with cheese. My roommate opted for Tostito's brand queso dip, and while I would have chosen to melt shredded mozeralla or possibly feta on mine, I had to settle for an old jar of alfredo sauce I found in the back of the fridge.

The result: Thankfully the alfredo had not expired, as I didn't experience any more discomfort than the tamales typically afford. We're moving up the ladder folks. This was the best canned tamale meal I've had yet. And if Diana is too good to share it, then good riddance.

Deep Fried Tamales

This recipe was inspired by the fact that I own a deep frier. It is actually the focus of most of my recipes. If you don't own a personal deep frier, fear not. You accomplish the same thing with a pot and a massive amount of oil. Though you will want to be careful of grease fires, grease that splashes up and burns you, really any way in which your skin might come into contact with hot grease. I use vegetable oil, as it's cheap and readily available at most stores. My oil has been seasoned by repeatedly frying bacon, however the recipe will still work if this is the first time you're using the oil.

1. Heat the oil.
2. Prepare a batter. I like to use cornbread mix, it makes for a more interesting texture than flour and has a slightly sweeter taste to it, due to the sugar. You can pick up a box at most stores, or make your own. I then mix in pepper, garlic salt, and season all, however whatever spices you think you might like, will probably taste good. Be creative.
3. Remove tamales from the can and unwrap them.
4. Dip the tamales in the sauce that remains in the can.
5. Coat the saucy tamale in your batter. Be sure to get as much of the mixture on the tamale as possible, as this will help mask the taste of the tamale itself.
6. Drop the tamales into the burning oil. Let them cook until crispy and dark brown.
7. Remove tamales, carefully, and place them on paper towels to dry.
8. Eat.

Verdict? If the last thing you ate were canned tamales, this is a distinctive upgrade. Admittely the batter is the best part, but if given the option between fried and plain tamales, fried does the trick. If you have gastronomical issues, please don't consider eating this. Also, I should have made this clear from the beginning, but you should know that these recipes are single serving. It's not that there won't be enough food, more that you just shouldn't serve this to anyone. It's kinda gross. And white trash. Completely white trash.

Microwave

For the first can I decided I would dive right in to the most simple method of preparing them. The microwave. I wanted to know what kind of flavor I was dealing with. Here are the instructions:

1. Open the can.
2. Dump contents on a plate.
3. Heat on high for 3ish minutes.
4. Unwrap and serve.

The result? Well. It's food. That's for sure. It's vaguley reminiscent of chef boyardee, those weird raviolli things, or spaghetti-o's. The sauce that the tamales come in is neon red, and has this odd tendency to adhere to skin. I washed my hands twice and they were still sort of red. On the plus side I'm not hungry anymore.